Friday, May 17, 2013

Struggle Days

Lately, I have more struggle days than not. A struggle day is when some symptom, some part of something out of my control makes the day harder than it should be. Sometimes it feels like a victory to see the end of one day and the beginning of another. Now, I do believe that in general, but I rarely actively feel it.

One rabbit hole that has made this last set of struggle days better is the Green Brothers. Crash Course, Vlogbrothers, all of their efforts. They are amazing. I recommend pretty much everything they do as far as I can tell. I knew John Green was on my computer before, and I could not remember why until I saw him talk about being on PotUS's first G+ hangout.

Another was Yo Is This Racist, which you can enjoy here

The Buddhism thing is moving along at a pace. What is helpful is that so far there has been nothing I have learned that has contested my own standards of honesty, compassion  and trust - while I do not always meet those as I would like, there they are just the same. The Boyfriend and I went to a weekend local event and it went well. I had a crushing moment of vulnerability and moved through and with it rather than pretending it was not happening, or taking it completely private.

I am trying to live more honestly, which brings up the vulnerability thing again, which I am experiencing quite a lot of lately (even if I need spell check to tell you that!). That means shedding the facade of not being in chronic pain. This is awkward, because good people are made uncomfortable by people in pain - they want to fix it for you, bless 'em. And they just cannot, which makes them feel bad. Now, I do not mean griping about it all the time, I just mean being honest when something hurts a lot, not hiding the signs of pain as they happen, and just going with whatever I can do every day: if it is just to get my ass dressed and sit and be with folks, or head downstairs and do some crafting or minor sewing (I love making actual things that can be held or given.)

So here I am. I hope you have been well.


  1. I'm currently in the process of learning how to discuss being in constant pain w/o terrifying folks by laying out worse case scenarios. I'm finding it rather difficult to portray to folks what exactly it's like on the inside of my pretty little body on a daily basis. I've just not quite found the right turn of phrase, I suppose....

    I'm lucky, in that even on the low mobility days I have the wonderful silver lining that is my house mates. On the days when my mobility, energy and spirits are low I find that I feel guilty when they realize how much pain I'm in and that there's nothing more they can do to make me comfortable... Not much guilt, but it's there none the less. I *have* learned to let that go a lot faster than I used to... Miss you much. *hugz*

    1. That looks very familiar! I am glad you and your housemates have found a place that works for all of you!


I will get to your comment as soon as possible! Moderation is to guard against some of the vile things that happen on this series of tubes...