This Knapsack Here

The other day I was trying to be supportive in a chat room discussion about the issues that many black and brown women regarding feminism in general, particularly first and second wave feminism. It was a great talk and it seemed to me that folks were able to express discontent freely and talk about how intersectional feminism was still not enough of a force to reach them, let alone include them.

I really wanted to talk about how the disabled were right there too, in line for forced sterilization in the beginning. And later. And still now.

I wanted to talk about how bisexual and lesbian and trans and queer women have struggled for recognition in the women's rights moment, too. How we were institutionalize and lobotomized in this country (US). 

I wanted to reach across the room and connect on how poor women are still struggling to get recognized in an era where they are still ignored and pathologized. Where the poor get lost in the shuffle.

It is hard to say that you are supporting someone's right to express themselves without interrupting them. So I stayed quiet, offered reference points as to which wave of feminism could be fairly characterized as doing what (human footnote machine!), and otherwise reading and learning and feeling what other people were writing. They hit a lot of the problems I have with the feminist label, too. Maybe I did the right thing, maybe not - and there is not always someone that will tell you. I did not have one this time, and I do not expect anyone to take on that job, but I appreciate it when someone does.

For all my sympathy, for all my intersectional connections to issues inside of the movement, I have a distinction: I am white. I am a whiter shade of pale. I am Whitey McWhiteson. That whiteness shields me, even with the shield seems pretty pathetic. As a white disabled woman, I am at an advantage over an Asian American disabled woman. As a white bisexual, I am at an advantage over a Hispanic (Latina) American bisexual woman. That is my knapsack, even if it is sometimes pretty useless feeling, it is always in effect.

I would not fault the folks that would never have that conversation in front of a white woman proclaiming feminist tendencies. There are some disability issues that I do not share with the TAB unless they are family and need to know. There are some bi experiences that are pretty exclusively understood by other bi folks. Poverty is a very specific way to try to live, and those that have never struggled with money seen to have a very hard time even understanding the basics, given the rare occasion that they seem to try to understand at all.

I did not feel left out of the conversation. I felt honored to be there. With all of feminism's problems, I was honored to see it, glad to offer what little I could and otherwise bear witness with no let or hindrance. 

(The links are kind of disjointed, and I am unhappy with them and just stopped using most of them. I am just going to leave my thoughts here and let them stand as they are.)

Mixed Week

I am glad to see the end of this week. I am happy that you and I have seen more of each other than usual. I was very happy to be on The Black Guy Who Tips. I have some cool new makeup. My hair is a silver white that I really, really like. I have semi-rimless glasses for the first time, and they have my first progressive lenses for the bifocals I will probably wear the rest of my days. I can see well, for the first time in a minute.

It was not all good. Shannon Larratt died. I am having some difficulty writing about him right now. A couple of folks were unhappy about choices I made. A few were loud and mean about it. The money situation is looking bleak. We have to mess with health coverage again - although I am hoping this will be one of the last times the family will get screwed over in this particular way thanks to the Affordable Care Act.

Whenever a friend leaves, it is painful. Unless you were not committed, when one prunes itself, it hurts. You bleed. I was reserved to just let it happen by the time it reached self-parody. Seriously, the engagement had reached a point at which I was accused of martyring myself for telling my own story. This was aside the fact that when you tell a story of a wrong done to you, you tell a story of a wrong done to you. I threw up my hands. What do you even do with that? The very act of expression on my part was delegitimized. Of course your decisions are correct in your own narrative: otherwise why would you have made them the way you did? The conflict had turned around and started eating itself. 

I told you a tale of being triggered. I am still working on that, and I know I will be for quite some time. By being present, though, by experiencing it real and raw, rather than needing to suppress it or deny it - I feel okay. 

I hope you feel okay, too.

Trigger

This post is not about triggers. This post is not about trigger warnings, although I will talk about them.This is about one trigger. My trigger. My hidden trigger that got pulled yesterday.

I am using terms without much 101 today - I need to get this out now or lose it.

Trigger warnings are good in visual and audio media, I support their use. In written media, I find the genesis of them in lazy writing. If you, as a writer, hit even three of your Ws (I count six: who, what, when, where, why, WTF?) the reader should be able to tell if the piece is safe for them. Now they have become de rigor for most folks of conscious out here in the wilds, including me, but I do stand my original opinion.

I had grown, developed, been imbued with by circumstance, a trigger. Sexual assault touched our family recently and has caused rifts and deep harm. I had not done the usual self analysis that would have let me know I had a trouble button waiting to be pushed. I had been busy, you know, living this out and doing what I could for my family.

There is no shame in having a trigger. Life is life, and sometimes life is just fucking hard. It leaves it's marks, and sometimes when coping we develop these fetid warts of damage. With good self-maintenance, some folks can reduce or remove those warts. Not everyone can, or should be expected to, and the advancement of trigger warnings in media is a boon to the folks that are dealing with triggers at any stage. (I have noticed that they have a great side effect: teaching those new to the ideas of triggers what the whole thing is about when they hear "trigger warning" from a trusted source.)

In a discussion of rape culture on a podcast, I was participating in the chat room and my trigger got pulled. I started typing one phrase repeatedly, and until some called it a trigger I had no idea I was doing it. #ShoutOutToTheChatroom, there were wonderful about the whole thing, never ridiculing and being exactly the sort of folks you need in that situation. Thank you, Chat Room. The show runners were great, checking to see if they had done something to provoke it. They had not, and I thank them for asking. If I did not see it coming, I do not know how anyone without a knowledge of what me and mine were going through lately, could have seen it coming.

So, if life is hard, remember to check yourself for untended damage. Get help if you need or want it. Do not be ashamed.

Have You Seen Me Lately?

Yes, I am trying to be back here more often. This is a quick note to let you I had a good time hanging out with Rodimus Prime and SayDatAgain on their show, The Black Guy Who Tips. We talked about me and disability, about being pervy and poly - it was one of the better conversations I have enjoyed lately.

You can, and should go see it here: Spreecast, iTunes. You are missing out if you do not!

I was really happy with how Rod and Karen interviewed, they have a good touch on the ebb and flow of a conversation - a lot people really struggle with that, but not these folks. They talked about the topics with curiosity, some study (wow, rare, thanks, hurrah!), and an overall respect that made me feel really comfortable for the hour we talked! I hope that they feel I respected their home turf and treated it well.

Again, I apologize for not being able to hang out after, I had to get some sleep (I had not before the show, Rod knows what I am talking about!). I listened later and it was all fun!

(I tested these links, but my cache may keep me from seeing some errors. Let me know if you have any issues!)

Good from Bad

Because I am me, and I have an odd set of values and priorities, I have a particular fondness for occasions when good comes from bad.

Months ago there was a big dust up in my life, and a lot of relationships and ideas of who people were were changed - some for the worst. I lost a lot: time, effort, good will, ties with others... But it was, in the scope of the real world, a small thing, and my hurt feelings and frustration and feelings of betrayal matter very little. Even in the dust up, which I think it is fair to say actively involved at least two dozen people, I cared less about my aggravations than helping others express themselves so some sort of common ground could be found.

In the end, no real common ground was found for the majority of folks involved, and wounds were left to fester. An uneasy truce seems to exist now, but a lot was lost. I think I will eventually detail the story, at least from my perspective, because there is a lot to be learned from it all around.

In the middle of all of that, one person took a chance and reached out. Then I took a chance and reached back. We were both surprised I think, to find the other far more reasonable and reachable than we had thought and were led to believe. So we kept communicating, and started talking about other things besides the dust up. Eventually we had to come to an inevitable, unavoidable conclusion: we had become friends!

Because of some of my interests and past, my new friend thinks I will be a good guest on the pod cast that he and his wife run. I was hesitant - hell, I have a hard time believing that you read this, let alone that people might want to listen to me ramble on! But here you are, and I thank you for your attentions.

So I have a new friend, and will be chatting away on a podcast here soon. When the details are nailed down, you will be able to find them right here, and every where I inhabit! Peace and love to you, Gentle Reader. Peace and love.

Gimpy Come Lately

So this is the part where I apologize for my absence, promise to do better, and then meander a bit before signing off and then keeping the same terrible blogging schedule as before. Well, I am going to do it differently: I have resolved to do better, but no promises to be broken later. I do want to meander a bit about what has been going on lately, so follow me... !

The open carpal tunnel surgery was a success, and while recovery was really difficult at first, it turned out to be less difficult over all compared to my expectations. I do have more to post on what to expect if you or a loved one is going to have it done. It will come from a lived reality and I hope that it will prove of some worth.

Out of some high volume, medium stakes drama I made an unexpected friend that is starting to mean a lot to me. Not every cloud has a silver lining, but this had several and I appreciate them all.

Life at home has been really different lately. There was some high stakes, heart breaking trauma that we are all recovering from in our own ways.  We have a few weeks to wait before I can talk about that.

I have a tablet now, and it makes life both easier and more complicated. It already knows the public wi-fi networks of all my health care locations! If you have some tips on how to use it to make gimpy life, or hell, just life in general, easier, please leave them below!

Here is to 2013!

Here it is, 2013. The world did not end, and JibJab are still doing their thing. I realize I have some priorities to get straight and some habits I need to reestablish.

Do you do New Year's Resolutions? I do, and I have found some success with the following guide lines I want to share with you.

• Keep it short: no more than 10 resolutions, but you are better off with about 5.
• Keep it short, I mean it: no long complicated resolutions.
• Break it down: "Get healthy" is a terrible resolution. "Drink 2 bottles of water a day" is much better. "Exercise" is terrible, too! "Start walking for 10-20 minutes/once a week" is better.
• Keep it handy: whether you use an resolution app, or just a text file on your laptop, keep your resolutions where you can reach them.
• Check in: on a good day for you (1st of the month or whatever), take a look at your resolutions if you have not otherwise. Set an alarm or calendar reminder if that will help!
• Please make a note of it:  and make a note of where you are regarding following up on them. If something got in the way, like an illness, note that too so you will not feel hopeless later when you see little progress for that month.

Once I have my resolutions ready I will share them with you. These are the things that help me. Do you have a good tip or idea for New Year Resolutions? Please share it below!

What Do I Do? What Do I Want?

Recently I have been thinking about my blog here. What do I really want out of my blog, what do I want to put into it, and what on earth do I think I will get out of it? Please note: this is not some sort of blogging goodbye, I am analyzing what I am doing on a number of fronts.

One of the first side effects I noticed when I became (or finally realized I was) disabled was a serious disconnect from the world around me. I had not opted out of participating in the world, but very few things were aimed at including or even caring about me and this new-to-me group I found myself in! Unless I wanted a Jazzy or a Rascal I was pretty much left out. I already experienced this as a woman, as a poor person, as a poly person, and a bisexual (unless you are a bi woman having sex with other "bi" women for the purpose of turning on straight men, being bisexual is often considered indecision or greed rather than an actual sexual orientation). In most of life's genres I am relegated to a background player, or just ignored. I do have relative privilege and I try to live my life with that understanding.

My response to being discarded and feeling disconnected was to become hyper-connected. I went from not caring about most television programming to having the news on almost all the time. I started spending more of my time on line following news, pop culture, and finally connecting my interest in politics and social justice to the modern Internet. I found that if I saw a news story a couple of times I had a much better chance of retaining it and being able to discuss it with someone else.

As the scope of the issues and problems regarding USian society and culture about disability became clearer to me and I started to understand that it was right up there with other great societal poisons, I began to understand that I wanted to be part of the solution. I wanted (and still want) to take some of the things that happened to me along the way and use them to help other people. I want to take the horrible things that happened and give them to you so you can either avoid them yourself or better understand someone else in your life that has experienced similar things. So here I am.

Two Words

The following is a flare rant I wrote about a month ago, and then promptly forgot about because I was flaring. So here you go, and at the bottom I ask you for your flare advice.

Fucking. Flare.
Seriously. Thursday I missed my physical therapy, and that makes me feel about two inches tall. This is because it is low/no income and that means that someone else in my position or worse could have used that slot if I had been able to cancel earlier. This is a traveling teaching group, so when you miss an appointment not only could someone else have used the slot, but there are P/T students there that need to learn that are also going without what they need.
On the up side, they used the hour to learn more about lupus, fibro, and my upcoming wrist surgery and how all those things can impact physical therapy, not just for me but in general. Which is awesome! I have actually apologized to the students for being so complicated, but the lead P/T said to never do that, that patients in real life are always complicated.

I am going to talk to my physical therapist and find out more about how one can access low/no income therapy like this, because I think it is very important.
Hate. Flares. My physical ability goes out the window. I have a wicked Flowers for Algernon thing going on while I flare. It touches everything I touch, and I resent the hell out of it. Lately, though, I am trying to lean into experiences and really be there and understand, but flares just suck so god damn hard.
This seems to be a mini flare, which hopefully means it will only last about a week or so. So, umm, hurrah?

When a flare happens, I try to cut down on anything that the flare could ruin. Say, if I have an appointment or need to make an important phone call I will do what I can to put it off until the flare is gone because my cognitive ability goes right out the window. Delicate repairs or mending are definitely off my To Do lists. Sex can be a downright mess if it is the fibro that is acting up. I try to keep my focus narrow and easy to cut down on both outward mistakes and inward strife.
What do you do when you flare? What do you put off, what do you muddle through?

Seeing is Expensive OR OneSight

Wearing eyeglasses can be a tough gig. A lot of insurance coverage either does not cover visual, or barely covers it at all. Of course, while you can spend an absolute ton of money on a pair of eyeglasses, even cheap ones are prohibitively expensive if you are poor. In Indiana, it costs anywhere from $100-$200 to get an exam, lenses, and frames.

Going without glasses causes  obvious problems. Wearing old glasses can wreck havoc with your health and comfort if your eyes have changed significantly since you wore them. This can cause migraine like symptoms in some. In general I have never known a person that needed to do this that did not have headaches of varying degrees that did not relent while they wore their old glasses. That was a messed up sentence, but I trust that you understand what I wrote there.

The cost and logistics (multiple trips, hours that are one's working hours,  gas or public transit twice) along the the shitty "coverage" if you can even get that; all these things make glasses really hard to get once you live at a certain income (or lack of it) bracket. Groups, charities, and other organizations that help people get glasses do a tremendous service. I have written here before about how you can help by donating your own old or extra pairs to help the cause.

A few weeks ago, I went with the Boyfriend to a local Lenscrafters, as he needed new glasses. While we were there I picked up a brochure for OneSight, an organization that brings eyeglasses to those in need. Unfortunately, you cannot just go in with whatever proof you have for your lack of income, you need to be referred. But the program looks great, and works both internationally and domestically (US). They are also one of the programs that will take your old glasses, too!

I think OneSight does good work, and I wanted to pass the word along. Do you know of other groups and/or efforts? Please share them below!