Ally Maintenance and Upkeep

There is a really provocative graphic going around about allies lately.  (I am not sure of a source to link, but it was a solid series of tweets about being a QUILTBAG ally. If you have the source, please let me know so I can credit and link, thanks!) It got me thinking about allies and ally-ship. Let me share my brain drippings with you!

I think that allies are part of the community like suburbs are part of the city. They are in the same vague area (say, disability rights) but their experiences are markedly different (by, you know, not actually being disabled) and usually less intense. They both take shit for thinking that disabled folks are full and complete people rather than drains on the system that should have been set on ice flows. One is having their own humanity questioned; while the other is just being told they are wrong, even if it is about something they deeply believe.

I do think that allies of any community should have a safe space... to themselves. They should not intrude on a core community, and most certainly not feel entitled to the core safe spaces, or the time and energy of members of the core community. They should not place themselves above or superior to their core group. But they do have needs that they can support each other to handle. Those needs are not the same as the core folks anyway. Someone being called a racial slur is experiencing something much different than I experience when called a race traitor. We may both need a hand and support, but of vastly different types. Which means that intruding on an oppressed group's safe space is not only a jerk-ass move, but would not give an actual ally what they may need, anyhow.

For anyone reading this with a raised eyebrow or proto-side-eye, I understand. Who the fuck am I, anyway?This is only based on my personal observations as a racial justice ally, an immigration/DREAM ally, an ally to the other folks in LGbt, for starters. Also, I see it a member of the QUILTBAG community, the disability community, a woman, a person of low fixed income et al... I have intersections, and I bet you do too! 

Sometimes it needs to be said that being oppressed and/or being an ally of an oppressed group does not make one exempt from being an asshole. Let me emphasize that real quick: statuses of privilege or lack of it are not indications of being a good person or a bad person. Which is why I mention sincerity. Have it, get it, or get the fuck out of the way. I have been called out when I was wrong and accepted it with what grace I could muster. I have also had someone use oppressed status to power insults and social maneuvers, which I took... with less grace. If you are a minority dealing with an asshole, my advice is to walk away and make your group aware so the asshole blowback is minimized (ewww!). If you are an ally dealing with an asshole that also happens to be oppressed, go somewhere else. Do your research instead and do not assume that the whole group is made of assholes. 

In oppressed communities we bristle at the idea of allies needing support from us. It is not our responsibility, true. I think that they can, and should, support each other. It should be acknowledged that allies can and do have needs and sometimes require social support to avoid burnout and continue the work, share resources, commiserate. Frequently allies do look to the core community for where to go and what to do, which is sometimes simple attention seeking behavior, but it can be a sincere request, too. If someone seems sincere when asking, say, how to get ally fellowship from my militantly bisexual self, I point them at PFLAG or something similar, or in other instances give them good terms to use to Google to get them started if I have the energy to do so for them.

So let us approach each other with mutual respect and care.  I am not claiming a special insight here - most folks have an oppression and in some other way benefit from the oppression of others (even if we would rather not). We each have to decide what to do here ourselves, and respect that right even if we disagree. I will not sacrifice my own peace of mind or self care to lead someone that is ostensibly supporting me, nor should I or anyone else be expected to do so. If I can, I will. Allies are people, people trying to do right even though they could go through life not giving a damn. If I suspect sincerity, I will always at least point them in the right direction. There is not a group I belong to that could not use another good ally. 

Have something to add? Read my comment policy and then start typing if you can respect it and me.

Thoughts on a Poly Paper

A G+ friend posted this article, and asked my opinion on it. I found my little soapbox and the energy to climb on it for a little while, and I thought I would share the results with you. Life has been hectic here, the reinstatement of coverage means I am running back and forth, making, breaking (stupid flares!) and arranging appointments.

The following has only been edited to remove social niceties and make more sense as a blog post. The meaning, if you can find any, has remained intact!

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The poly article from the UK can be found here.

Hi! Sorry it took awhile to get to this, but I wanted to give it some solid attention. Thanks for asking me what I think, here! I am going to make some notes as I go, so I do not forget anything.

Interesting that the author assumes that while thoughts regarding sexuality get attention in poly relationships, that issues regarding class, education, race, gender, religion and other issues do not. I would argue that all those issues get the same, if not more attention as they do in a monogamous relationship. But a lot of the ins and outs of relationships in general are like that, included in the basics of all intimate partnerings but not often touched upon in poly specific materials.

I started to feel odd and left out by the author, fitting only a few of the list of presumed identities being thrust upon me by assumption, you know? The thing about poly families is that they continue to identify with the communities they already know and embrace, whether that be the LGBT/QUILTBAG communities or a group held together by racial ties or religious affiliation... You do not stop being what and who you are just because you discover that your ability to romantically love is qualitative rather than quantitative.

Something I thought the author ignored is that most literature available on the mass market on sexual differences starts by coming from largely middle class white men and rarely women. The first literature I saw about folks that are trans was about folks that were white, gay and white, pervy and white, intersexual and white... Since that is still the narrative that is most accepted by the people that hold the keys to the mass market, that is what we largely get. The Internet was the same at first, but now anyone that can access the 'net can write about their experiences. And maybe even get taken seriously.

After reading more, I think that perhaps I was initially too harsh on the author of this work. They are criticizing the existing material for obvious failings when it comes to addressing issues important to everyone outside of the “standard human” or even “standard USian” type: racial justice, actually economic opportunity equality, gender issues… Now, on the other hand, had these white (really, we are still using “European stock?” 1895 called and wants that term back!), middle class, mostly male, mostly college educated, mostly Christian, mostly Western folks tried to include issues of which they had no real familiarity - we would have pilloried them for speaking for other folks. 

Rather, we need to make room for those voices, I think, to speak to their own truth. What they could have done was include voices with experiences vastly different from their own, and they are responsible for not doing just that.

I think the truth is that we come to polyamory on our own, out in whatever world we live in, and some are able to act on that because we have more societal freedom, and some are free to act on that because they are already so despised, so disregarded that one more “sin” does not matter. Maybe there are a lot more of us out there, unable to do so much as a Google search free of fear of being discovered, rapidly unemployed and ostracized or even physically hurt or killed. It is true that “family focused” jerks like Rick Santorum have started using poly families as their new big scary thought for the USian public, and folks are not ready to take that kind of bigotry seriously because we are all seen as a kind of outlier, by desire or by sentence.

I think that the author was brave, taking a little understood and derided part of her life and using it for a professional paper. Kudos to her! And it is a good read, with solid information. By being a woman writing about polyamory, she is contributing a work that is not as “mainstream” as some of the authors she sites. One thing I have noticed about various movements is that they purchase mainstream acceptance by being represented by mainstream bodies. These white, middle-classed, college educated men putting out poly works will help gain mainstream acceptance. I would like us to be a solid community accepting of all comers first, but it rarely seems to happen that way.

(Thanks for giving me a heads up! I liked the piece, and feel honored that you asked for my take. I hope you do not regret it now! - my personal note to the person asking for my opinion. I explained that I might use my side of the conversation as a blog post and the idea was met happily.)

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I hope that you, dear Reader, do not regret how you spent your time just now. If you have thoughts about my thoughts about this paper, please feel free to discuss them below. I do respond to comments and I like getting them (for the most part, the Blogger filters help a lot with unwanted spam!). 

One Less Invisible Oppression

Take a good look at me:

There, that was not so bad. Pictured is head and shoulders shot of a nearly forty, blond, pale white woman with glasses and a mildly challenging expression right after a free makeover.

The last thing you probably see is oppression. You do not see illness. You do not see disabilities. You cannot see bisexuality. You will never see poverty, if I can help it. Me and mine will only show you polyamory when we choose. You cannot see non-Christian in a "Christian" nation. You think you see a woman, but only because I present a woman to you, but you really have no idea. You never really do with anyone - get used to the idea.

Now that the celebrations are mostly over, we can finally start to really understand what happened with DOMA and Prop.8, what the rulings mean now and to start to understand what they may mean for the future. My favorite part was watching the homophobes start to sound off in front of news cameras and watch the cameras turn away from them to the successful DOMA and Prop.8 teams as they walked down those famous stairs and raise their hands high.

As far as I understand it, the Court "punted" on Prop 8, a term usually used when they make a ruling that appears to be noncommittal  But the verdict that the claimants (random straight homophobes that picked up the case when the state of California washed their hands of it) could not claim injury to pursue the case. I think that verdict is anything but neutral, finally saying that straight people cannot claim injury when gay people get married.

I think this punt matters quite a lot. As much as the much more decisive verdict striking down DOMA. The dominoes are starting to fall, and with gay families on military bases inside of bigoted states, and gay families moving from states that honor their citizenship to states that do not... It is only a matter of time. That time feels like forever when it is your family waiting it out, I am sure.

Now the religious fundamentalists are using families like mine, poly families, as the next spooky threat to marriage. Although they have not given one indication as to why it would be bad for the State. It would definitely be a Biblically supported arrangement if I married both the Menfolk if our genders were reversed, but that was never really the point. 

At least in California, and according to the federal government, there is one less invisible second-class citizenship status. 

Note: I am as much a lawyer as a doctor, which is not at all.

This Knapsack Here

The other day I was trying to be supportive in a chat room discussion about the issues that many black and brown women regarding feminism in general, particularly first and second wave feminism. It was a great talk and it seemed to me that folks were able to express discontent freely and talk about how intersectional feminism was still not enough of a force to reach them, let alone include them.

I really wanted to talk about how the disabled were right there too, in line for forced sterilization in the beginning. And later. And still now.

I wanted to talk about how bisexual and lesbian and trans and queer women have struggled for recognition in the women's rights moment, too. How we were institutionalize and lobotomized in this country (US). 

I wanted to reach across the room and connect on how poor women are still struggling to get recognized in an era where they are still ignored and pathologized. Where the poor get lost in the shuffle.

It is hard to say that you are supporting someone's right to express themselves without interrupting them. So I stayed quiet, offered reference points as to which wave of feminism could be fairly characterized as doing what (human footnote machine!), and otherwise reading and learning and feeling what other people were writing. They hit a lot of the problems I have with the feminist label, too. Maybe I did the right thing, maybe not - and there is not always someone that will tell you. I did not have one this time, and I do not expect anyone to take on that job, but I appreciate it when someone does.

For all my sympathy, for all my intersectional connections to issues inside of the movement, I have a distinction: I am white. I am a whiter shade of pale. I am Whitey McWhiteson. That whiteness shields me, even with the shield seems pretty pathetic. As a white disabled woman, I am at an advantage over an Asian American disabled woman. As a white bisexual, I am at an advantage over a Hispanic (Latina) American bisexual woman. That is my knapsack, even if it is sometimes pretty useless feeling, it is always in effect.

I would not fault the folks that would never have that conversation in front of a white woman proclaiming feminist tendencies. There are some disability issues that I do not share with the TAB unless they are family and need to know. There are some bi experiences that are pretty exclusively understood by other bi folks. Poverty is a very specific way to try to live, and those that have never struggled with money seen to have a very hard time even understanding the basics, given the rare occasion that they seem to try to understand at all.

I did not feel left out of the conversation. I felt honored to be there. With all of feminism's problems, I was honored to see it, glad to offer what little I could and otherwise bear witness with no let or hindrance. 

(The links are kind of disjointed, and I am unhappy with them and just stopped using most of them. I am just going to leave my thoughts here and let them stand as they are.)